Bulimia and Lapse

Hey everybody.

     I think that when I started this journey towards remission and recovery I was sure that if I stopped bulimic behavior my life was going to change. I was so sure that bulimia was the root cause of "all" my problems and worries. I just knew that stopping the behavior would change everything.

It didn't.

     Not that my life did not improve dramatically. It did. I had more energy, was engaged on a higher level, made better decisions, and have started to change my relationship with both food and people. I have become more content and forward looking in my own life. It was well worth the effort.

     My root problems did not change just because I became free of bulimic behavior. In fact some of them became very intense. Bulimia was my way of "processing emotions" and my emotional reactions to life in general.

     In the beginning I would have a few days of being bulimia free and then return to the safety of bulimic reactions. After a time I would "build" a week or two and then again lapse into bulimic reactions. It was difficult during this period. Every time I thought that I finally "got it" I would lapse back to "fixing" my emotions with bulimic behavior. Binge and purge.

     I learned from my reactions and behavior. I struggled with sitting with my emotional responses. I stopped looking for a quick and easy solution to my life problems. I realized that at times I was going to be sad, depressed, and angry. I learned to live with the feelings without running away.

     We lapse and relapse sometimes. I have learned that this is simply a part of the bigger picture. It is meant to be. If we persevere through the lapse, work our way out of it, and I do mean work out way out. We come out the other side much stronger and focused. This means to take the lapse and learn from it. Repeat: LEARN FROM IT.

     Don't ever give up.

     The Japanese have a saying something to the effect "Seven times down, eight times up."
One day your days will build into weeks and weeks into months and months into years. You will find yourself sitting one day wondering how long you have been bulimic free.

     Do not count days or weeks and think that time free of bulimic behavior equals some kind of safe place or safety net. We can always lapse.

     Keep going. Survive. Lust for your own life. Build your meanings. Don't wait. Persevere.

In Loving Kindness
Bryan