Default is not Our Fault. Bulimia and Making Changes for Good!

       




    I'M EITHER AC/DC'S BIGGEST FAN OR MY DEFAULT POSITION NEEDS TO CHANGE!

BULIMIA AND MAKING CHANGES FOR GOOD!!1

        Our bodies will reach a "normalcy" concerning almost any behavior or action if done enough.So binge and purge slowly starts to train the body to accept this as a "normal" event. So just like exercise, learning to ski, playing football, learning the drums, singing, skydiving, or any other physical activity, the body learns to normalize it.

        Our minds will also start to adjust to any actions, thoughts, emotions, and thinking that is consistent and constant. So learning math, a new language, meditation, music, quantum physics, or any other "mind exercise" will soon "normalize" the mind. 

        This can be a good thing, a neutral thing, a challenging thing, a damaging thing, all of these modes are dependent on what you are using it for. What is your intent? There are times that bulimia seems to be working to achieve a "goal" and we are momentarily satisfied with the bulimic cycle. Other times, and this gradually starts to increase, we see the behavior for the less than helpful action that it truly is. 

        Bulimia has intent. It's intent is to "artificially" shape the body and keep weight off of our frame. We struggle with body image. Out minds will continue to convince us that we carry too much weight. We become focused on "weight bearing' areas, the face, stomach, legs and butt. Our minds become delusional about how we feel and look to others and ourselves. 

        Initially bulimia feels like a choice and may work. Unfortunately it stops working because we are behaving at odds with our own survival.   

        Our bodies see this B&P cycle as an emergency starvation mode and starts to store fat to ensure survival and at the same time uses this mode as a default mode that "numbs" the mind and divorces part of us from reality. 

        And so this becomes our "Default' position. We will find ourselves automatically returning to the default mode whenever we feel, pressured and anxious, lonely, bored, less than, more than, enthused, angry, and well you can fill in how this works for you.

        Bulimia becomes an answer to everything. It appears to us as a solution to the way we look and feel. Until the emotional and biological and social damages  become so severe we can't pretend that bulimia works anymore.

This cycle of bulimia is not our fault.

Why does bulimia happen? 

        Every single person has their own answer to that question. In general the action has to do with body image and emotions. It reaches further in to a need to be accepted by the social framework in which we exist. It comes from the complexity of being conditioned and raised by the society and culture we have been immersed in since birth.

So the question is how do we "get out" of this default cycle? We will need to make some decisions and then choices. 

• Decide that it will take time. Become aware that we don't have to like it but we do need to accept it. It's going to take some time. Everything we endeavor to do will take some measure of time. Accept this and get started. We didn't become bulimic overnight and we won't become abstinent overnight either.
• Take a stance on perspective. Bulimic behavior is not the only way to define yourself. All of us have many facets like the facets on a cut diamond. A lot of times we "see" ourselves as  bulimic. Yes we are. And we are also so many other things. Don't lose sight of this it is one of the first steps of breaking out of the new norm (bulimic behavior) that we establish.
• Quit lying to yourself. People don't want to hear this. I understand. But we lie to ourselves constantly about the behaviors and false thinking that is underlying our behavior. I managed to convince myself that it was "OK" to purge in restaurant restrooms. Really? It's a healthy thing to do that? I would "plan" to do that on the way to the restaurant hours before going. I wasn't intentionally doing it to hurt myself but had convinced myself that it was OK. 
• Add on. We have choices concerning out behaviors. Much of trying to remain abstinent is a struggle to "get rid" of some thoughts and behaviors. What we sometimes end up focusing on is the need to "remove" something from our lives forgetting that we also need to add something.We can't just create holes in our lives and expect that nothing needs to replace them. So we need to gradually add new behaviors as we remove old ones. Do something else. 
• Change scheduling. The "default cycle' exists because we have solid state behaviors that don't change. So what we do generally remains the same. So if you "read" while binging then not binging is going to create a problem if you continue to "read" at the same time. Solution? If you read then read somewhere else. Go somewhere different to read. Don't insert yourself in the same old chair, in the same old room, at the same old time, and expect that reading will not encourage you to binge. Co occurring behaviors will need to be examined and changed.

        All this is going to take some time. And you can do it. The result will be a new default position and if it seems like a lot of work at first understand that it's going to become more normalized as time goes on. Bulimia's conditioning is very severe and constrictive. Be kind to yourself while you are making changes.

Let me know how this works for you. Helping others helps me. Please add on to this post if you have further ideas on making this work!!.

Keep going. Stay even!!

Bryan

Food, the Body, Bulimia and Energy for Living.

       

              It's Time!               

             Food, the Body, Bulimia and Energy for Living!

        It is time to start forming another and gentler attitude towards food. We, as bulimics, live a severe dualistic lifestyle that delivers nothing more than exhaustion, depression, lack of control, and obsession.

        One of the first things we learn is that the body has habits, needs, thinks biologically, and in itself has been "trained" by us to have a default system in place when stressed or depressed. This is the binge and purge cycle. Many, in early remission sometimes will find themselves binging. This will come with a weight gain that if uncomfortable or not acceptable may lead back to the cycle of binging.
                                                                     
        I have some suggestions for the initial period of abstinence from both binging and purging. This is what worked for me and is one of many options.


Here's is how it went.

• The body did not recognize when it was satisfied anymore. I would try to eat three meals and snacks a day but it wasn't working. I had noticed that once I arrived at a certain food intake point the body would convince the mind that the "real" satisfaction point would take a lot more food. 

• I would eat until overfull and purge. This felt like my mind had the right "thinking" patterns but between my body, thoughts, and emotional structure I was out of control and unable to accomplish more that a couple of days of abstinence. Approximately 2 to perhaps 6 days and then resume the binge and purge cycle.

• At that time I was also battling low blood sugar and had been diagnosed with Hypoglycemia via an extended blood test. At that time I was encouraged to follow a small and frequent meal program.

• I started to eat small "meals" every two to three hours. And it worked. For the bulimia and the binge and purge cycles. 

• I was able to finally go for a couple of weeks at a time and then finally stopped binging and purging entirely.

The benefits: 

• I started to "feel" better in general because my blood sugar was always up. No more emotional swings. I was in a much better position to maintain a feeling of calm and actually felt like I was making decisions that would last. Including sticking with my new eating plan!My weight stabilized. I no longer started to panic. Fear and anxiety lowered. The meals felt "safe" to my mind, body, and emotional structure. This was a safer place for my body to recognize that it wasn't going to starve and after a time my body started to "trust" me. 

• I did not find myself "getting hungry" which, lets face it, was just code for a bulimic episode. 

• My body lost it's default position. I wasn't able to convince myself that I was starving and really needed to eat. My body readjusted itself and started to respond to my diet with more energy and even feelings. 

        As a society we have been conditioned to eat too much at any one time. In the U.S the restaurant meals and quick food chain meals typically have more calories that any person would need at one sitting. We seem to have come to a place where "Quantity" has someone become synonymous with "Value." Not true. Just the emotional and physical price we pay takes the value question right out of the process. 

        The very first place I went "out" to eat was for Chinese food. I was entirely overwhelmed with the amount of food that in front of me. In the past I would eat it all, then purge in the restroom. Now when I go out I cut the food in half or a third and take the rest home. I do this as a regular habit and it seems to work. 

        Honestly? I don't really like eating out that much anymore. It is a difficult thing to do and at the times I feel vulnerable I won't do it. Yes that comes at a vague social price but so what? Hiding food and going to restrooms to purge after eating in every restaurant I was in for years cost me plenty!

        So I am going to suggest that you give this a try. Even out your consumption of food during the day and see what happens. It is helpful to keep a record of when you are going to eat. I used a timer on a watch for a long time. Every two and a half hours I ate. The "smart phones" have some apps installed that make this really easy.

This may be Your answer to establishing some abstinence. 

I would be interested in hearing how this works for anyone who gives it a try. And I welcome any comments or questions concerning bulimia! 

Stay even.

Bryan

Bulimia Lives on Drama

Drama in Action

BULIMIA LIVES ON DRAMA!!!!!!

Yes it does.

Funny how bulimia goes hand in hand with drama and the drama goes hand in hand with emotions and the whole stupid thing is built on our perspective.

There are a few things that help with gaining perspective and defeating drama.

1. LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICIURE: We are not  bulimia. Bulimia is something that we have. We also, if looking at it in the big view, notice that there is so much more to us than just being bulimic. We are family members, friends, lovers, workers, spiritual, caring, kind, and you can add the next word, people. Sometimes we just accept that bulimia is who we are, it;'s not. Bulimia has a presence of it's own and it really wants to stay in control. What better way than to convince us of how overwhelmed and weak we are? Of course it's a lie. So an awareness of the other "parts" of us is really important to putting bulimia in its right place. 

2. "WHAT YOU PAY ATTENTION TO GROWS" David Krech
I read lots of information on Constructive Living. Books by David Krech and David Reynolds. Why?Because slowly and surely during the past year I am really starting to pay attention to what's really important to the quality of my life.

Does this mean ignoring bulimia will somehow cause it to diminish and increase my quality of life? No of course not. But if we spend all of our time with the narrow focus of "being bulimia" what we really do is "grow" the bulimia. Honestly that's not going to facilitate change. If anything bulimia becomes our world. It's not. The world is really big and beautiful and interesting.

There is a time and a place for processing what we need to do to change our relationship with our bulimic behavior. Good. Then get on with the life you have and see what needs to be done.

3. "THE WORLD IS NOT UP OR DOWN, YES OR NO, RIGHT OR LEFT" And as much as we divide the world into two separate "camps" we find that in the long run this kind of thinking does nothing more than limit out options. We either go one way or the other. In reality the world is full of options and decisions about them. Why give power to an addiction by limiting our options?

Much of this thinking comes from our conditioning that says " We must do things the "right" way and perfectly each time." The more perspective I gain the more crazy that thought seems to be. Options abound, Don't allow bulimia to convince you that you only have one or two options.

Example: Many bulimics processing recovery think in terms of success measured in terms of entire "days" or a twenty four hour period. So if some one has a bulimic episode they immediately "write off" the rest of the day which only serves to increase more episode that only makes it harder to change behavior the next twenty four hour period. Solution? Think about your recovery in small manageable bits of time. Five minutes an hour or a few hours. If you have a bulimic episode you immediately move into the next period of recovery you have chosen. It's easy to let the episode dictate the day. Let it go and walk away. Minimize the bulimic events power.

4. WE DECIDE THAT SINCE WE ARE BULIMIC THAT WE ARE "HORRIBLE" PEOPLE
This is one that most of us decide early in the bulimic addiction. We decide that this is so horrible that we 'Hide ourselves" from others, avoid friendships, or we "pretend" that we are not suffering and live a life of lies and deceit while appearing what we hope is "normal."

I spent a lot of my life as a counselor. I worked with drug addiction, family dynamics, alcohol addiction, gender issues, and depression.a I know that bulimia is one of the most isolating of addictions. Purging food is something that most of us bear in shame. We consider this as an abuse issue that will horrify others. So we suffer in isolation.

The first step. One of the nice things about the Internet is the anonymous nature of typing and text to others. So my encouragement is to start not only reading about bulimia on blogs like this one and the several sites on the web that deal with bulimia. But also become active with other bulimics who are doing the same thing you are, Recovering. Respond to blogs, letters, and comments made in this arena. No judgement or opinions needed. Everyone has a common interest recovery. Take a risk. Tell someone you trust about your disorder. Yes I know that this feels really scary and it seems like it would be easier to deal with this after you are in recovery but the things I found about telling someone are these. People were more accepting of me than I was. Almost everyone I told reacted with concern not with a reaction of horror and revulsion. They sought to understand what was going on and committed to helping me recover. No more problems with eating out, or having to go to buffet's, or eating scary foods. My wife became my biggest supporter and my few friends made concessions to help me recover. It was a huge relief. The secret was out and I could move on. By the way I decided that anyone who wasn't able to accept this about me was not worth knowing. I'm the one who has to look in the mirror in the morning and live with me. It's a good way to see who cares and who doesn't.

5. HAVING A SENSE OF BEING GRATEFUL. To the people who support me, to the individuals in the healing and recovering community, to my environment that supports me, and you the reader of this blog to have the drive and courage to look for a better way. It is extremely difficult to be self absorbed and grateful at the same time. It's a struggle to stay depressed and grateful at the same time.
We find ourselves helping others and in turn being helped. We find acceptance by accepting others and what our actions say about who we are.

Anyone can be successful during the good times. The good times in life rarely define us as people. What really defines us is how we respond to the challenges in life. Bulimia is a challenge. One that we can challenge, redefine, and win.

How do you address this issue? How do you minimize the drama of bulimia and it's impact on your life? Suggestions, comments, and thoughts are welcome.

Thank you!

Bryan

Frustrated with Bulimia and Recovery? Six steps to keep going!

Well.
The truth of the matter?
You probably are. We keep trying sometimes and nothing seems to work. Noting gets us past that day, or a couple of days, or a week. Sometimes we go a month or a couple of months and then the relapse happens.
Here are some things to consider when practicing abstinence.

1. Bulimia is a reaction to how we feel and our thoughts. Remember that thinking is a lot different than thoughts and that emotions are an entirely different animal themselves. So we can have all the right ideas and attitudes but when thoughts and emotions come in to play they encourage what I call the "bulimic" brain to jump in and take over. Why? Again  because it provides the answer and solution to how we feel. It numbs the reactions to our thoughts. It is part of the practice to realize that feelings are not control able and are going to happen. We don't manipulate feelings we act. Actions will change feelings.

2. A bulimic episode does not constitute a relapse. Anymore than making a mistake at work means you are fired or if you miss that goal you are kicked off the team, or crashing one test means you fail. Having a bulimic episode is simply a signal. It will require that you inquire into what triggered the event. Or better put what triggered the feelings that need to be numbed? But the key element here is to avoid using one bulimic episode dictate the entire mood of the day, afternoon, or evening. It happened. Leave your house, go somewhere safe, meet some friends to talk, journal, make a serious effort to change your environment. It will make a difference. I get reports from a lot of people who simply "give in" and "give up" if hey experience a bulimic episode when processing recovery. Why throw it all away over a single incident? Keep going.

3. Are you one of those people who if they do crash and burn hear a wailing voice that says " Oh no now I have to start over? " Listen. That's the voice of  bulimia wanting it's control back. That isn't the voice that has driven your recovery and it never will be. I am a martial artist. When I first started training in Judo I felt like a total idiot. I would train for a while start to feel confident and during free sparing find myself being decked over and over again with no defense. But you see that's how we learn anything. We start, we stumble, we wobble, right ourselves, and then do it again. Do you remember learning how to walk? I don't. But from what people who were there tell me I feel down a lot but I keep getting back up and now am walking without even thinking about it. The same thing happens when attempting to learn any new life skill.

4. Mistakes are normal. We can all make mistakes. Part of the trick of working with a mistake is to realize that they provide us with a challenge and a mystery. It is important to not let up after a mistake but to examine it until we understand it and solve the mystery. We don't all "know" how to recover. We can read about it, listen to stories from others successes, find out all the information we need to be successful, and then the hard part is living it day by day. Mistakes will be make. Mistakes are how we learn, if we do everything "right" the first time we wouldn't learn anything and I suspect that nothing new would ever occur to us.

5. One of the traps is that we set ourselves up for relapse by our focus on Outcome. We make decisions about how it is "going to be" post process. Really? Thoughts of this kind invariably will lead to crash and burn. Why? We don't know what's going to happen next no matter what kind of plan we have. So what's the best way to counteract this tendency? Stay with the process of recovery. Eat and make sure you have a structured plan for eating. Then eat. Eating is the path out of binge and purge cycles. So instead of thinking "how I am going to be" in the future, think what do I need to do now.

6. It is vital that when we do start living more days and weeks bulimia free that we don't "forget" where we are and what needs to be done. The idea that we are entirely "free" of bulimia is an interesting one but in truth it is a default mode that may never quite go away. We have seen this in other people when they fight an addiction, forget that it is powerful, ignore the signs and symptoms and proceed to lapse and/or relapse.
It doesn't need to happen. We need to remember to honor what we are doing and the risks of lapse in our everyday cycles. I know we would like to have the attitude that the me in the past is no longer the me in the now. But I am asking you to take a realistic look in the here and now of what you can do to make sure that lapse doesn't occur. A part of that is to remember that it's a possibility given the right environment and distractions.

Any and all comments are welcome!
Stay focused.
Bryan



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Breaking the cycle of Bulimia

Many nights it came down to bulimia's binge and purge cycle or going crazy. Well maybe not really but at the end of the day was my worst time to remain bulimia free.

It took some time but I realized that on any given evening I could be found watching movies, (I love watching DVD) and eating or reading, (I love reading) and eating. I had very little idea that what I was doing was simply multiplying the chances of a binge and purge.

And it did. 

What I was doing was not feeding hunger but feeding and soothing my emotional structure. Food and purge equals numbness and OK feelings. Shit what was I thinking of? 

Finally, after some suffering, I made the connection and proceeded to engage in the struggle to move away from the activities that were found to be enablers. It took me some time to develop options but what I really found was I needed to get up off my ass and find some other things to do.

I found that doing two things at once enabled me to eat food without really feeling or thinking about it. I could go through enormous amounts of food and not remember. At the same time I wouldn't really remember what I read or watched. The two went together. They distracted each other from either one being aware.

So the struggle was to, in effect, get past two habits that both enabled each other to survive. Once I realized this it answered lots of questions about why I was having such a hard time with the binges and purging at night.

What worked?

I started going to a local coffee shop in the evenings after a reasonable meal and worked on writing and reviewing my blogs and books. I would go to the library and do the same thing. Sometimes I would go out and take care of shopping that I would usually do on weekends. I made sure that my martial arts classes were at night and not during the day. I went to the gym at night and changed my workouts for one evening.

It worked.

Doing something different and changing my environment worked.

I would like to hear what works for you.

Bryan