Getting Out of My Way. Bulimia and relapse

Hi everyone.

     Today I want to write a little about the way we "hide" ourselves when we lapse or relapse. A lapse is a momentary return to eating disorder and a relapse can be more of a long term event. I'm sure that we are all familiar with lapse and relapse on some levels.

         "Relapse is a very painful experience to admit to ourselves and others."

     The scenario goes like this. I finally, after what sometimes seems like forever, achieve an ongoing state of "abstinence." I am overjoyed. My support people, if I have any, are also overjoyed. There are a few attitudes that come into play here. One is that I have finally "conquered" my addiction and will no longer be plagued by an eating disorder. This is often reinforced by the support system around me. People who may have been "hanging in there" with me for some long periods of time. To go along with this attitude is one that says "I am cured" which in itself isn't so bad unless it comes with the mistaken conviction that "This will never happen again." Another is the feeling that I have "made it" or achieved a permanent status. The last one I want to point out is the attitude that we "expect" our addiction to be over. No more worries!

     A somewhat different and calmer approach  that I prefer says "Ok, I am stable and can stay this way as long as I continue to do the work." This attitude doesn't have as much energy and doesn't "finalize" our "addiction to recovery" scenario. It leaves the door open to continue to work on our abstinence a day  at a time. It reminds us and other people that we are calmly working hard to stay with our current achievement and we value it more than anything. This way we never lose sight of who and what we are and what may happen if we don't practice awareness. This approach also leaves room for glitches along the way. A lapse or relapse that may occur.

     Addictions don't GO AWAY. Why? Addictions are an experience. The experience is locked in memory. In order for them to "go away" means we would have to 'forget" them. Now that means forgetting all components. How the addiction was experienced in all senses. How it affected us on a physical, psychological, spiritual, and cognitive level. If we do manage to "forget" the addiction the only purpose served is to open the door for it to reoccur. Because the "memory" is never really forgotten. It's a mind game we like to play to pretend we are "OK now." There are too many 

components of memory to allow experience to disappear.

  Does this mean addiction will remain this horrible presence in our lives?

NO.

   

     Memory will diminish over time. It's ability to impact us directly becomes less and less as we move further away from the addiction action. So if we do the work of abstinence the work becomes our new focus. This doesn't mean that the addiction disappears, it means that we now have a new focus. Abstinence.

        " The quality of your life will depend entirely on the focus of your attention." 
                                                                                                              - Cheri Huber

     

     So in a very real way abstinence will depend on our keeping our attention on it. This means not losing sight of who we are and what abstinence means to us.

     Why is lapse or relapse so painful? The answer lies in the first scenario concerning attitudes. If the mindset is this, I believe I am cured, I  made it, this will never happen again, and my expectations are that this is all true. And if I convince other people in my support field and in fact everyone around me that I have instituted a permanent change. What do I expect when I lapse? In essence I have placed myself in a situation where seeking help getting myself returned to abstinence becomes this emotional nightmare. Not only am I trying to get through my lies to myself about my recovery but I am struggle to not let my support system down concerning the image I presented them. It's a hard place to be.

What to do?

1. When you finally reach some parity in your life and it feels like daily remission has become a way of life then accept that. Don't build denial into your recovery. Trust me it's going to be there in some forms anyway. Instead continue to be grateful for your state of abstinence and project this onto others.

2. I suggest that we don't see ourselves as cured. Only in a daily state of abstinence. We can't predict the future. We can commit to our remission today.

3. Abstinence is a lifestyle not a destination. We don't get anywhere. We develop a willingness to remain abstinent one minute to the next. We live the lifestyle as long as we are willing to maintain it. 

                There is no permanent state of anything and it's good to remember that.

4. Expectations are built on the idea that we can predict the future. I don't believe in the ability to predict the future. I am not even closely convinced that it's possible. There are so many variables that it's like trying to guess what's going to happen next in a casino. We need to let go of expecting or at least become focused on the idea that expectations are not good indicators of reality. They are like belief systems. They are OK as long as I know I am dealing with a belief system.

     If you experience a lapse or relapse it is imperative to move away from it as soon as you possibly can. Do not waste time making excuses to yourself or others. Do not try to live up to any 'image" that you may have unintentionally projected. Be honest and open about where you are and what's going on with you. We need to be honest with ourselves and others to have successful daily abstinence. 

                                                                       GROWTH!
   

     It's good to have a positive attitude. It's also good to feel like we are accomplishing our goals. Confidence in our abilities is built over long periods of time. It's also very good to stay aware of who and what we are and what we are capable of in our quest for daily abstinence. 

I would love to hear from you. Comments, ideas, suggestions, all are welcome!

Bryan S. Wagner

     

Bulimia. Seven times down EIGHT times up!

Hi.

In Japan they have a saying "seven times down eight times up." I believe in this saying. It speaks volumes about what kind of quality of life we are going to have.

Disappointment is a part of every growing process. Nothing that we know of grows overnight. It take time effort and energy.

Here is why I bring this up. I am currently working with a few people attempting to gain some long term recovery. Some have been successful in cutting way back on the number of binges and purges, some have one day some put together three or four days at a time. They are understandably excited and enthusiastic. Finally they are putting some hours together and feel they are moving away from the bulimic stangle hold. Then they experienced a lapse.

Because I talk to these people I have the opportunity to experience the emotional upheaval that occurs when someone relapses or lapse. It can be devastating and cruel. Most of the cruelity comes from the person themselves.

I hear this:

"I failed."
"I'm a fake."
"So and so is going to be disappointed in me."
"I feel like such a failure."
"I'm such a loser."

You can fill in  more and I'm sure we have all experienced this to some degree.

So what's going on here?

Expectations. People think that by gaining one day they have solved the problem and expect to just repeat that day over and over. It doesn't work like that.

I know you have all heard this before and I am going to keep repeating it. Recovery is done in a remission model. It's a DAILY event. Every day brings new opportunity and challenges for us to explore. This means that there are also going to be new solutions to new problems. Not old solutions to new problems.

The body and mind and emotions do not recover overnight. At first most people are extremely fragile emotionally. And the part of them that has been controlled by bulimia wants that control back. Any emotional input can trigger a relapse. And the self beating that comes after it has one job. To make you feel as worse as possible for even trying to recover.

• Every day we seek new answers. 
• We pay attention to the cycles that were and possible new cycles.
• Focus on how the body feels. 
• When you think about eating or food. 
• Notice when the inner voice starts seeking anything you can relapse over. 
• People admit that they generate problems to allow relapse. 
• Never allow yourself to become hungry or thirsty.
• Allow yourself time everyday for you. 
• Start an awareness practice. 
• Go for walks.
• Stay with people who support you. 

There is a tipping point that drives the bulimic reaction. If you pay attention it doesn't just start all of a sudden. It starts hours before the act. That is the time to start seeking options. The smallest tiny hint that a binge is OK is a huge red flare that says change direction.

Listen. I believe in you. I also know that you can be free of the bulimic cycle. Start now. If your just tuning in and have been bulimic today then stop now. Rehydrate and eat a little something. Regain the rest of today. I know it isn't as easy as that. Of course it's not. But I know you can do this because you have done it before.

Always I welcome feedback and information from anyone. We need each other. You are not alone in this.

Bryan

Giving Up is Not an Option

Hi.

Giving up is not an option.

Fear of gaining weight and not being in control of body size translates into a phobia about certain kinds of foods and that translates into eating things that are not satisfying and that translates into binges on things that do satisfy and that causes panic and fear of gaining weight so purges are the result.

Now the crazy thing is that bulimia is not a weight control device. It is true that lots of bulimics are overweight or at normal weight. The thinking that bulimics are thin is not in proportion with the statistics.

Fear and anxiety are the two driving forces.

So we ask well what are we going to do about this seemingly impossible task of abstinence?

Well, there are a few things.

Don't ever go to bed hungry. If purging was part of your evening do not try to sleep on an empty stomach. Protein drinks, fruit, cereal, or broth, what ever you can eat. You stomach will be manufacturing chemical and electrolytes that help your brain run, your body work, and your moods remain stable. If there is nothing in your stomach this will be a lame process at best.

Structured eating. I don't really think it's so important how you do this as much as you do it. I talk to people all the time who never eat breakfast. Talk about a setup. By the middle of the morning it's all over with. It is so crucial to eat in the morning. Try to eat a protein and carbohydrate each meal. Eat several times per day. Never  let your blood sugar drop. Never. If you follow this you will never be able to claim "hunger" drove you to over eat.

The hard part is trying to decide how much to eat. The only comfortable place anyone has to compare too is a place of post purge. That's not going to give anyone a good idea of how much is too much. At first everything that stays down is going to feel like way too much. Its going to take some time and patience to get used to the way you feel. It is a process and will "normalize" itself. A big part will be committing to being uncomfortable.

Fear and anxiety are going to ramp up. You will be confronting some big issues, Weight, feelings, issues around socializing, and adjusting to new body processes.

Commit to having those feelings. Having those feelings is going to be the only way to normalize them. If you let the feelings drive your behavior it's just going to get worse not better.

Get connected. Always. Don't try to do it by yourself. Connect to people who can support you within the entire process. Be honest about feelings and how it feels. Honesty can take you where you want to go.

If you have any ideas or suggestions I would love to hear from you.

Keep going and stay the course.

Bryan

BULIMIA'S WEAKNESS

FIGHTING DRAGONS 

FIGHTING DRAGONS

     That's what it seems like sometimes. The idea that bulimia is this horrible monster that has taken over our lives. Post purge brings on depression, anger, a feeling of helplessness, and to make it more intense a feeling that we can never "beat" bulimia.

     I have spoken with so many people who feel hopeless post binge and purge. Some really feel like what's the point in fighting this thing?

     So it's like watching someone who wants to train for a sport but they become frustrated because they feel  like they should be able to perfect whatever sport they are interested and succeed in just a few days or so. Honestly it just doesn't happen like that. True becoming abstinent is the goal and the final product. But the PROCESS is the most important thing to keep in mind.

     Some of you remember me talking about this in previous blogs but her is a recap. Bulimia did not happen overnight. It built over a series of days, weeks, and months. The idea that we can leave a habit that we use to control our emotions overnight is an extreme expectation. We need to take a realistic look at the process we need to accomplish this goal.

     Our expectations of overnight achievement is nothing more than a ploy that our "bulimic" self is using to keep us addicted. You would never expect a "friend" to simply achieve abstinence overnight and then make them feel bad if they happen to have that expectation and failed. You just wouldn't. So why do it to yourself?

• COMPASSION
• PATIENCE
• UNDERSTANDING 
• PERSEVERANCE 
• COMMITMENT
• TIME

     These are the qualities needed to acquire an abstinence. 

     Find someone who will help you. Most people end up being bulimic in a vacuum. Most really need to voice of reason and particularly the voice that delivers the messages that go with the words up above. There are people who will help. Seek them out. 

     It is going to be so worth your effort and ongoing perseverance that you will be thanking yourself for the rest of your life. 

     Bulimia like to masquerade as a Dragon, the monster that we can't conquer. It's just a lie that bulimia wants you to believe to protect itself. No one ever said this was going to be an easy task. But again I know it's doable and I know that you have the tools needed to accomplish your goal. 

     As always comments are welcome and if anyone is seeking help please feel free to contact me. 

Bryan 

Through the Layers of Remission

Hi

I do lots of work with people who are dealing with different addictions. Bulimia is one of the hardest because we need to keep using the object we also need to control.

There is another reason. The layers of remission can be really taxing if you're bulimic. Some of us are able to make the adjustment quickly, some take much longer. It can be exhausting and difficult to endure.

Knowing what to do comes in two arenas.

One is the intellectual knowing. For lots of us this is not a really difficult task. We read. We get information and sometimes get counseling or use a mentor. We end up with an endless supply of information that seems very helpful.

There is a problem though.

The mind deals in concepts. Concepts, if you will, are the minds way of building maps of the territory we are going to "explore." Maps are like plans. They very often don't survive contact with reality. So the "plan" is to use structured eating. But the mind starts to prey on itself during vulnerable moments ( for most of us this is late afternoon or night) and before we know it we are in a binge and purge cycle.

Having concepts is just the start.

The real issue is how are we going to cope with reality? Because we are going to need come face to face with it.

What are we going to DO during the vulnerable times? And I don't mean something vague. I mean what is THE PLAN that you KNOW is going to work.

Sitting at night with a binge in front of television or a book? Right away you know you can't do that. You can't. So don't. Query: What are you going to do instead? What do you KNOW you are going to do instead?

These are questions you need to ask yourself to be successful. There are options and things you can do and better yet know that you can do to avoid relapsing back into bulimic behavior.

All of us need a realistic and concrete plan that is doable to avoid the traps.

Do you know when you are vulnerable? Do you need to be somewhere else at night? Need to drive another route home? Eat somewhere else. Avoid someone or something that is a trigger? We need to realize that this is going to be a long term commitment to remaining in sobriety.

It's not a simple task but it is doable. Absolutely doable.

Any comments or suggestions are welcome. Feel free to contact me if you feel I can help.

We can do this. Don't ever doubt that we can do this.

Bryan

Another One of Bulimia's Lies.

                 Well this isn't working anymore, now what? 

Hi.

        I was talking with a friend the other day about recovery in general. She is currently in remission from heroin use. (She prefers using the word remission like I do.) We were discussing how crazy a chemical addiction is but at the same time how strangely comforting it can be. How getting "high" and knowing that you can do so really gives us a feeling of control and safety.

        It's the same with bulimia. It is a double edged sword. The very act of the binge is comforting as well as the after effects of the purge. The numbness and "zoned" feelings that are the aftershock of a purge. After a while we grow comfortable with this and it seems like the "right" place to be.

        So, in a way, bulimia represents a shelter from emotions, thoughts, physical feelings, and social contact. The last one may differ but a lot of us who experienced bulimia started building some really severe isolation. Bulimia builds this strange comfort zone that we inhabit and this may  go on for years.

        So how do we work with this in remission?

• There is going to be a need to allow your self some ADJUSTMENT TIME. Adjustment time is crucial to a successful remission. At first this is a real pain in the ass because it means that we may stop and start, stop and start and then stop and start before we can start to log some days and weeks. That's if you are counting. I prefer to count each day as a separate entity. 
• Have an abundance of PATIENCE ready to use as you need it. And you will need it. Remission builds slowly over a period of time. Just like bulimic behavior it walks in to your life it will not come crashing in.
• Avoid thinking of OUTCOME. It's not a race. It never was a race. Where we are going is not half as important has how we are going to get there. This may be a really good reason that people who are dealing with addiction tend to look at only one day at a time. Or in some cases hours of half days. It makes sense. Looking in to the future and trying to figure out what's going to happen will not work. It never has. 
• Think of thus as EVOLUTION in to your solid remission status. A slow steady building will actually  take less time overall if you can avoid some of the stops and starts. 
• Remember that we are leaving what appears to be a safe place. We have discovered that this is a lie and in reality bulimia will continue to cause damage. However. REMISSION is not going to feel "right" for a while. It will be uncomfortable and at times painful. But it is always doable. 
• Right away, and this means the day you start, pay attention to your EMOTIONAL FIELD. Super important. Bulimia is supported by emotional swings and moods. It is crucial that you know this and find ways to start NUTURING yourself. Hot showers, favorite moves, a safe environment, people if possible who know what you are going through. Life doesn't always allow us to depressurize while going in to remission but make sure you have some options and your own safe zone.
• It will be helpful to not do this by YOURSELF. We usually binge and purge in isolation. We usually become isolate. Although I know it is hard please find someone to share this journey with. Try some of the information on this site. Talking to other bulimics is a good way to find support with people who know and care. 

         Look at your self as someone who is leaving a place that, although it is dangerous, still feels like a safe harbor. You will be going out in to new unexplored territory. You know the general direction but will be making your own maps as you travel. Take it easy on you, no rush, ho hurry, nothing to win, only a better and healthier you. 

        If you have any more ideas or suggestions please post me. We are here to help each other grow and evolve. I am currently working to develop video blogs so I am hoping to start posting some in the near future. 

 

Keep going.!!!!

Bryan

Bulimia and The Big Lie

It's a cycle or a loop isn't it? And it becomes really frustrating.

The pattern works like this;

• We are caught in a bulimic pattern. The reasons for becoming bulimic are endless but hinge on distorted body image and emotional vulnerabilities. At this juncture we know something is wrong and suspect through constant binge and purging we are causing damage but the so called "rewards" of bulimic patterns are worth it. We need to remember that we are using bulimia as an answer to what we consider "life problems." 
• At some point later we start to really experience the damages. We are exhausted physically, the emotional soothing of after purge actions is no longer as intense and pleasant. We are isolated and alone. We realize that the "look" that we so desired is not good. In fact we start to look worse as bulimia becomes more a factor in our daily lives. We experience more emotional upheavals and depression and anxiety become the normal state of being. 
• The exhaustion drives us to want to find a place of remission. A place where we don't deny the struggle anymore. A place where we can take care of ourselves.
• So. We decide to stop. 
• Perhaps at first we struggle to do it ourselves. We want to keep the secret, well, secret. We are using "willpower" to stop the binges. We decide to be perfectly non bulimic. We use the same "mind" that encouraged bulimia as an answer as the "mind" that is going to lead us to freedom. 
• Rarely does this work.
• We lapse and relapse.
• We recycle to the point where we decide to stop.
• This time we start to use others. We decide that we need other perspectives to add clarity to perspective. And in sharing, we find new tools and perspectives that help us stabilize. We start to gain some abstinence. Out minds become clearer and we start to normalize our emotional structure. 
• Then, sometimes, "something happens", we destabilize, and return to the bulimic behaviors.
• The bulimic brain starts screaming about giving up entirely.  

 MOST OF WHAT I HEAR AT THIS POINT IS THE BULIMIA TELLING ME THAT 

 "IT'S USELESS."

"YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER."

"I CAN'T DO THIS."

"NOW I HAVE TO  START OVER.". 

BULIMIA IS TELLING YOU LIES!! 

The bulimic mind is telling you lies. "It" wants survival. "It" wants you to think your efforts to attain remission are useless. 

If we look at what happened we are not repeating the "loop" at the same place. The truth is we have made really good progress and hit a "roadblock." If you are driving from one side of the country to another and you become exhausted and have to stop do you have to start over? 

NO 

NO

AND NO.

When you are ready you start from where you are. 

Yes, we will need to take a look at how this happened and what we need to do about it. But we also need to realize that it's a part of the loop. Does everyone experience this? No. Do most people? Yes. 

So we need to use tools to help us move along in our journey.

• Self report. I use a journal and a tape recorder to track my daily progress. Some people I know have been successful in using a laptop video log or a camcorder. They report that this has really helped them become "used" to body image while addressing remission.Why is this so important? Because you are tracking your journey. 
• Social change. Look around you. Are there new people in your life? There should be. Our perspective hinges on having new perspective and this means new people. Yes we can get perspective from written, or visual information, but nothing has more impact than another human.Other people will keep you aware that you're making changes and progress. 
• Network. Looped to the above. I use a website that is specific to bulimia. It's posted on the blog site. I stay active in eating disorder forums and put in my perspective when it seems applicable. Social action helps. 
• Focus on quality. "The quality of your life will depend entirely on the focus of your attention." - Cheri Huber  We need to "attend" to our successes. Remember that bulimia has trained us to look at the negatives. Sometimes that becomes our whole lives. It is not the speed of remission, it's the quality of the remission itself. 
• One day then the next. That's really a big part of it. One day is all we need to do.If we don't make it through the whole day then a half day will do.
• Every minute counts. We persevere. We make it over the bad times. Every minute you stay in remission counts. Focus on today and better yet focus on right now. If you lapse, learn what you can and then Walk on.

None of this is simple or easy. But it can be done. 

I am interested in any comments or suggestions. Anything you can add would be welcome!!

We can do this. 

Keep going. Stay even. 

Bryan