Well.
The truth of the matter?
You probably are. We keep trying sometimes and nothing seems to work. Noting gets us past that day, or a couple of days, or a week. Sometimes we go a month or a couple of months and then the relapse happens.
Here are some things to consider when practicing abstinence.
1. Bulimia is a reaction to how we feel and our thoughts. Remember that thinking is a lot different than thoughts and that emotions are an entirely different animal themselves. So we can have all the right ideas and attitudes but when thoughts and emotions come in to play they encourage what I call the "bulimic" brain to jump in and take over. Why? Again because it provides the answer and solution to how we feel. It numbs the reactions to our thoughts. It is part of the practice to realize that feelings are not control able and are going to happen. We don't manipulate feelings we act. Actions will change feelings.
2. A bulimic episode does not constitute a relapse. Anymore than making a mistake at work means you are fired or if you miss that goal you are kicked off the team, or crashing one test means you fail. Having a bulimic episode is simply a signal. It will require that you inquire into what triggered the event. Or better put what triggered the feelings that need to be numbed? But the key element here is to avoid using one bulimic episode dictate the entire mood of the day, afternoon, or evening. It happened. Leave your house, go somewhere safe, meet some friends to talk, journal, make a serious effort to change your environment. It will make a difference. I get reports from a lot of people who simply "give in" and "give up" if hey experience a bulimic episode when processing recovery. Why throw it all away over a single incident? Keep going.
3. Are you one of those people who if they do crash and burn hear a wailing voice that says " Oh no now I have to start over? " Listen. That's the voice of bulimia wanting it's control back. That isn't the voice that has driven your recovery and it never will be. I am a martial artist. When I first started training in Judo I felt like a total idiot. I would train for a while start to feel confident and during free sparing find myself being decked over and over again with no defense. But you see that's how we learn anything. We start, we stumble, we wobble, right ourselves, and then do it again. Do you remember learning how to walk? I don't. But from what people who were there tell me I feel down a lot but I keep getting back up and now am walking without even thinking about it. The same thing happens when attempting to learn any new life skill.
4. Mistakes are normal. We can all make mistakes. Part of the trick of working with a mistake is to realize that they provide us with a challenge and a mystery. It is important to not let up after a mistake but to examine it until we understand it and solve the mystery. We don't all "know" how to recover. We can read about it, listen to stories from others successes, find out all the information we need to be successful, and then the hard part is living it day by day. Mistakes will be make. Mistakes are how we learn, if we do everything "right" the first time we wouldn't learn anything and I suspect that nothing new would ever occur to us.
5. One of the traps is that we set ourselves up for relapse by our focus on Outcome. We make decisions about how it is "going to be" post process. Really? Thoughts of this kind invariably will lead to crash and burn. Why? We don't know what's going to happen next no matter what kind of plan we have. So what's the best way to counteract this tendency? Stay with the process of recovery. Eat and make sure you have a structured plan for eating. Then eat. Eating is the path out of binge and purge cycles. So instead of thinking "how I am going to be" in the future, think what do I need to do now.
6. It is vital that when we do start living more days and weeks bulimia free that we don't "forget" where we are and what needs to be done. The idea that we are entirely "free" of bulimia is an interesting one but in truth it is a default mode that may never quite go away. We have seen this in other people when they fight an addiction, forget that it is powerful, ignore the signs and symptoms and proceed to lapse and/or relapse.
It doesn't need to happen. We need to remember to honor what we are doing and the risks of lapse in our everyday cycles. I know we would like to have the attitude that the me in the past is no longer the me in the now. But I am asking you to take a realistic look in the here and now of what you can do to make sure that lapse doesn't occur. A part of that is to remember that it's a possibility given the right environment and distractions.
Any and all comments are welcome!
Stay focused.
Bryan
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